i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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