i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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