Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
