I wish I could teleport
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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