it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My vagina is officially offended.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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