I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
