you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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