I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
