i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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