dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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