Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
