dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
