i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize