so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
