I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
