My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
