dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
