I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
