I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
