I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
