So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
