So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
