I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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