so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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