Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.