i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever