I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.