: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
