that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
