You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
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Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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