There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
