I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
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Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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