life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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