You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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