new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't deserve a penis
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
