apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
