my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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