omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
