I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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