Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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