Michael Bay diarrhea
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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