Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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