dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i came on her dog
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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