you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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