Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
