There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
