I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
