i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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