apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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