she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
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dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
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Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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