Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
