We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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