i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
