just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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