Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
