New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
