Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
