omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
